The anatomy of a crush
Running into an old college crush a couple weekends ago made me think of this. He wanted to talk to me and hang out, but for some reason I made horrible excuses and ran off (and have been kicking myself about it for a while). Then I realized, I've done this before - I've inched towards a crush until we've crossed paths, and gotten to know them personally and IT'S NEVER TURNED OUT WELL. Ever ever ever.Reasons?
One guy had horrible, gut-wrenching man stank. It didn't show up until a couple hours into the evening, but it happened EVERY TIME we hung out.
Another guy started out well, but then asked me to have his babies. The first night. And he was serious.
Yet another turned out to be bisexual, extrordinarily arrogant and a borderline alcoholic. But DAMN was he cute!
What I've determined is that all parties involved should realize and respect one single fact:
CRUSHES ARE SACRED
and mess with them at your own risk.
Here's how it all goes down. One party (a.k.a. "you") finds another party (a.k.a. "them") attractive for one or more reasons. Note: If you have too many reasons, it moves beyond crush territory and into full-on attraction, mess with that... please! The party known as "them" can NOT be a friend or someone that you have an established relationship with. Crushes need adequate distance to function properly. In order to grow a functioning crushhood, you need to focus completely on the reason/trait that you find compelling and forget entirely that this is a complete person with multiple sides to their personality. A full view of their personality will only squash your crush (hee).
What you need to do build a fabulously artificial person, one that can play the drums like a house on fire or put out a house on fire like an angel from heaven or look like an angel from heaven like... uh, lost it there. Your crush is allowed some negative personality traits, but they have to be downright adorable. Something like "He always buys too many flowers for his girlfriends" or "She bites her fingernails, but into perfect smooth arcs" or "His neuroses and anxiety give him just the perfect level of attentiveness to my percieved needs".
You also need to be able to maintain your crush, with close brush-bys (no contact!) and viewing from afar. Here is where I have to make a distinction between crushing and stalking. Crushing is sweet and innocent. No binoculars, no black ski masks, no duct tape. Yes, flowered journals with "Mr. and Mrs. ____" written 200 times and concealing yourself behind large potted plants to see if he takes his coffee with cream and sugar (in a CUTE way. If you find yourself behind a potted plant with a tazer and duct tape, at least check to see if the duct tape has daisies printed on it. If so, continue crushing). Meeting your crush is the quickest way to kill the thing - if they make a move to begin talking to you, swerve or sneeze or drop something distracting and then run in the other direction. The easiest crushes are actors, musicians, etc. who are guaranteed to be seen by many on a fairly regular basis and also guaranteed to rarely be seen in any places you will likely be going. The hardest crushes are coworkers or fellow social group members. It's far more obvious when you blush and refuse to speak to the guy two offices down the hall (but can be done - you can pretend to be mute! Fighting Tourettes! Crazy!).
The all-time worst crush killers are:
1. Close physical proximity for an extended period of time (see man stank man)
2. Conversation
3. Viewing your crush in the morning
4. Knowing any more about their personality beyond the parts you find attractive
Then they just become "THAT guy" or "THAT girl" and recede until they become the butt of jokes or the source of only slightly entertaining stories and you have to find a new crush again. Crushes are never meant to develop into something more, and should only be maintained if the crusher needs a hobby or spends a lot of time daydreaming about nothing (instead of daydreaming about "I wonder what her favorite pet was as a child"). If you're looking for a relationship, then do that but don't begrudge us our pie-in-the-sky, mildly commitment-phobic, rose-hued world where I still think Prince is dreamy and David Bowie is a hunka hunka talented white boy.
Viva la crush.
posted by LadyJay @ 2:13 PM
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