The monkey made me do it

Dear Dogs,

Neither of you are looking me in the eye right now and I just want to take the opportunity to explain exactly why this tense and uncomfortable situation has arisen.

You are smelly, smelly beasts. And Rooster, you shed. Monkey, you don't shed but you have a greater propensity to carry mud and other unmentionables gathered when you leap spectacularly for my mis-thrown balls and land squarely in a puddle. Rooster, you do not leap and for that I thank you.

Tomorrow we are heading south to my parents brand-new, just-moved-into house. You will probably not be allowed inside but I felt that you at least deserved a fighting chance.

When we went to the park tonight, I had the full intention of washing both of you as soon as we got home. Your youthful romping and overall good behavior had almost gotten me turned towards non-bath-land, when suddenly the arrow snapped back to your imminent soapiness.

Rooster, pay attention to this.

When I clipped your leashes on and headed towards the gate, you (ROOSTER) got a sudden burst of energy and bounced off the path, plunging my flip-flop adorned foot and pant cuff deep into a puddle. You (ROOSTER), also, were in the puddle, and looked confused at my sudden swearing outburst (note: mud in dog parks is very rarely purely dirt). Monkey, in solidarity, wandered off the path as well and began rooting around in the grass. A couple yanks and you were back in line, but the damage was done. As soon as we walked in the door you (Monkey) sensed something was wrong and curled up on the loveseat. I coaxed you in the bathroom and closed the door, but when I turned on the water your cooperation ceased. I no longer enjoy lifting your 55 pounds up and over the edge of the tub. I'm not sure that I ever did. If you would jump every now and then (I know you can do it, since you jump OUT with very little problem) I can offer many delicious varieties of biscuit and maybe even rawhide. Think about it. Also think about saving the shaking-off of your head until AFTER I'm done rinsing you. I've sworn more tonight than I have in months. Rawhide possibilities. Really.

Rooster, we really have to talk about bathing. You are enormous. I'd be willing to be you're over 70 pounds now, and when I can't even get you NEAR the bathroom (you've finally figured out that once I get you on the linoleum, you're hosed. Life was easier when you were stupider.) it makes me want to whimper more than you. Tonight I herded you away from the door, across the studio, through the living room, and finally (thankfully, since I was getting fatigued) onto the linoleum by grabbing the scruff of your neck and pushing your ass with my other hand while you dug your toenails into every available surface and squirmed like a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum. This is not dignified, for you or for me. Then when I had you in the bathroom I had to grab your hind legs, shove them in the tub, and then thread the rest of you between my legs until I finally got your furry (stinky) ass in the tub. Thank you for admitting defeat at this point and not jumping back out, but I really don't appreciate that you had to lean on me over the edge for the remainder of the bathing process. Also, next time you can skip the "I forgive you" cuddle after the bath is over. It's a nice thought, but I really wasn't expecting 70+ pounds of wet dog up on my bed (where you're not allowed, I feel compelled to remind you) when I was reading. I'm not mad at you now, I'm just trying to ignore you so you won't feel the need to forgive me again.

Basically, it comes down to this. Rooster, if you could possibly find a way to not shed ever again, you will get biscuits and rawhide galore and a free vaccuum to chew on. Monkey, if you could learn to hop politely in the tub and then teach Roo how to do it, I will give you whatever your sweet little canine heart desires. I'm guessing that would be a squirrel of your very own and a racetrack, and I'm willing to work on that.

Also, please do something about the breaths. Mint hasn't worked and peanut butter has proven to be more of a liability than a help (sticky AND nasty breath). I can plant some nice herbs if you promise to eat them every day.

Also also, Roo if you chew up any more magazines please aim for Bazaar and not Vibe.

Thanks and love you,

Janelle (the tall thing that gives you food)

posted by LadyJay @ 10:04 PM