The monkey made me do it

Why I am Seinfeld sometimes

Reasons I have broken up with/stopped seeing men (these are not the deal breaking, primary ultra break-up reasons, but they are important all the same and certainly contribute to the overall desire to run far, far away):

1. I suspected that he stole my toothpaste. He visited my house when I had a new tube of my favorite kind, and when he left it was nowhere to be found. No minty breath on the dogs, either (believe me, I would notice).

2. He kept saying “Let me look at you” and then staring at me from different angles, beaming. I felt like a prize bass hanging on the wall. Creepy.

3. He told his mother about me after our first date and told me that he told his mother on our second date. He informed me that she had given her approval.

4. His previously white bathroom was bright orange with mold. I asked how bad it was when he moved in and he told me that he was the first tenant after a remodel so it had been brand new. I was scared to sit on the toilet seat.

5. He had a blow-up mattress for a sofa, but didn’t let me sit on it. I had to sit on the floor with my back up against it like he preferred.

6. He took longer to fix his hair than I did. Granted, this was in the early ‘90’s and his rocker-mullet was pretty ornate but for the love of all that is holy, if it takes longer than a half hour then shave the bastard off.

7. Poetry.

8. He sang me Bobby Brown’s “Don’t Be Cruel” at a karaoke bar (complete with rapping) and then got mad at me for giggling.

9. He kept petting my face and cooing at me like I was a baby. Granted, he was pretty sloshed but face-petting is not an amateur move and he wasn’t all that coordinated at the time. I wasn’t a fan of being randomly semi-slapped and told what a preeetty guuuuhhhrl I was.

10. I couldn’t pronouce properly or remember his name, and he didn’t take kindly to being called “John” (his real name was more like Baku-somethinglongandcomplicated).

11. He really only kept me around because I knew how to hang shelves.

12. He only had one piece of furniture, a loveseat, because he felt that anything he bought had to be just perfect and even after three years of searching he hadn’t found anything else that fit his house. So there was just a loveseat, all by itself. weeping.

posted by LadyJay @ 11:13 AM