The monkey made me do it

Two sides to every story

This is so stinkin' funny... A family came camping with us this past weekend (28 of the 30 people were single, there was one crazy older lady who was married but the rest were 20-35 years old and unattached) and the dad was obviously not the outdoors type. I have no problem with this, since many of my friends would only go camping if the world had adjustable heating/a.c. and the dirt was fluffy like a pillow top, but seeing the rant he typed on his MySpace blog and comparing to my happy warmfuzzy memories made it all seem just a little more entertaining. He also had no idea I would ever find the posting (insert evil laugh...)

Here it is, with my notes in parentheses:

"Camping Rant
Current mood: aggravated

We went camping this past weekend. I'm going to have to face it, I'm not a camper. There's a reason I paid good money for a house with a bathroom, a kitchen, and a bed. And that good reason was not so that I could go sleep outside. Anyway, here are a few of the things I learned about camping:

1. No camping trip costs $50, even if that's how your spouse lewers you in.
(it actually WAS $50 - food included - for their family of 5, but apparently his wife convinced him to use the occasion to buy a whole lot more camping gear, for which she is now my hero)

2. Campfires cannot get you warm. They can only heat you one side at a time. You are always at least half way cold.
(this is why fireside sitting should always include a constant rotation of body parts near the fire to even out the burning/freezing ratio)

3. It doesn't matter which chair you move to, the smoke from the campfire will follow you, and you're eyes will ache from it in the morning.
(I can't argue this one. Smoke is evil and tracks the weak, but dang it smells good on the camping clothes the next day!)(this may be a good time to note that I truly believe camping is a masochistic endeavor on many fronts and that I may be just a little crazy for liking it as much as I do)

4. Grass is not as soft as it looks. Don't get too excited about putting your tent on it.
(try rocks. Better yet, try snow. Actually snow IS pretty soft, just butt-freezingly evil)

5. The ground has been cold for a long time. You are not going to warm it up by laying on it.
(I love this guy)

6. Even if it is 35 degrees outside and all you have is an outhouse, kids' bladders are not large enough to last through the night.
7. It doesn't matter which tent you put your kids in, they will end up kicking you in yours.
(moral of the story: don't have kids. If you do have kids, don't camp with them. If you do camp with them, put them in a separate tent 20 yards away with a plastic bottle to pee in and staple their tent shut)

8. Tents suck at keeping out light in the morning.
(also sound, and freezing temperatures)

9. People who love camping can be really annoying after 9 hours on a cold, hard ground.
(I have no idea what he's talking about here)

10. If you're cold and tired, there's no where to go except your tent, which is where you got cold and tired in the first place.
(I'm beginning to think he maybe didn't want to hang out with us...)

11. There are people who want to go do difficult, strenuous tasks (i.e. hiking, scuba diving) even after doing a difficult, strenuous task all night long (i.e. trying to sleep on a cold hard ground). Do not be friends with them.
(hmm, this one's pretty vague)

12. Don't accept assorted jelly bellys from a stranger. You never know what flavors are going to be involved.
(this one is totally my fault. My friend M and I split a pack of Every Flavor Beans (which are the jelly bellies in question) while waiting in line for the last Harry Potter movie premier, and she gave me another pack for easter. Having already suffered through the ordeal of eating sardine and booger flavored beans, I brought them along to share but hid the little card that told what they were. Chaos ensued. There were casualties, particularly this guy)(I think he got the vomit)

13. MySpace withdrawals are worse than I had imagined."
(I could actually see him twitching from them around the campfire. Or maybe that was from the constant smoke clouding his head.)

posted by LadyJay @ 12:10 PM