The monkey made me do it

owww

My head hurts.

Last night I decided that my social life had gotten far too sedentary (a.k.a. only going out with people I know and enjoy, drinking healthy amounts of alcohol, etc.) so I allowed myself to be dragged out to an event known as Dating by Referral. It is an unadvertised gathering of single folks that have been referred by dating or married friends, and they took over a very popular Belltown club last night and filled with with about 200 people.

I stayed with my friends S (who is about 5'-0") and Ev (who is close to 6'-0") most of the night, making a very nice short-medium-tall tableau (I'm about 5'-7" with heels) and chatting with any of the many men who wandered by. I also drank a lot, which helped the conversations immensely. Because here is what they chose to talk about:

1. Hula hoops. A little man who seemed proud of the fact that nobody could tell if he was straight or gay was telling us about how he liked to sew/alter his own clothing, and then segued into a description of his custom-made hula hoops (with lights inside!) and how he was trying to learn how to be one of those really cool hooper-types that you see in clubs nowadays. I think I've been going to the wrong kind of clubs. Apparently hula hoops are the new glowsticks. Pass it on.

2. Microsoft. You had to know this one was coming! A good 90% of the men I met worked there. They tried to be a little bad-ass about it, though, saying that while Google's saying is "Do No Evil", Microsoft's saying is "Do Lots of Evil". And then they snickered and punched each other. Seriously.

3. Their/your latest heartbreak. How is this an acceptable conversation topic for a singles mixer?! Still, the guy insisted that everyone in the circle tell their sob story, which completely dampened the mood of all partygoers within a 30-foot range. Then I tried to be funny (see: lots of drinking) and he stared daggers into my soul. Then I laughed and he left.

4. Cottage cheese ass. Admittedly, I brought this one up. It didn't go over so well though S and I were laughing like hyenas about a particular relevant event we'd witnessed. Ev is much more socially proper and she tried to change the subject but we kept jumping right back.

5. Guam. I don't know either.

6. How the guy had slept with another girl at the party years ago, but they're just good friends now. There's really no good response when someone pulls that one out.

By the end of the night I had been found by the only guy who I found remotely attractive, and we sat on one of the couches and talked about things which now completely evade my memory. I DO remember that at one point he noticed a small, pale man staring at me from the bar and complimented me on having my very own stalker. I told him that the pale guy was nowhere near stalker material, and broke it down like this:

Stalker = horribly angry at you for some reason (you broke their heart, you refuse to notice them, you wore the same pants as them to an event) and fixated unhealthily. Likes to try to affect every aspect of your life, stealthily.

Creepy = (pale guy) very interested but far too shy to ever come around and start a conversation. If he does ever start one you will likely never know that it's happening, due to low volume or mumbling or loud, illogical shouting followed by immediate flight. Not angry, but still disturbing.

Harmless = starts a generic conversation that is over in two seconds, then he gives up but still gives wistful glances every now and then. Pale guy might have been borderline harmless, but he kept up that stare for a good 20-30 minutes and was quite obviously attempting to psychically burn "COME TALK TO ME" into my brain.

That was how it came down in my mind but I'm not sure that my mouth conveyed the message as clearly (if that's anything near clear). I got his number and gave him mine, but am pretty sure that what I told him was wrong. We'll see. We'll also see if I ever get invited to another one of these abominations again.

posted by LadyJay @ 10:09 AM