The monkey made me do it

ahhhhhh...

Got a massage last night for the first time in close to a year, and am now (still) a barely functional pile of human goo. It's almost scary how relaxed I can get with those things, and how much of a difference it makes just to have a stranger knead at me for an hour or so. Here's an example of the internal dialogue I was throwing about last night:

"My shoulder itches."
(minutes go by with no movement besides the steady flow of the massage)
"I should scratch it."
(happy zen blackout)
"Huh. Still itches. ARM. MOVE UPWARD."
(drooling a bit now)
"Crap. I wonder if I had a stroke?" (I was reading an article about strokes in the waiting room, which makes one wonder why the massage school thought literature about strokes would inspire relaxation and also why on earth do I assume that whatever I read about will happen to me?) (Don't get me started about the time I read "The Girl With The Silver Eyes" in junior high and assumed that I was an undiscovered telekinetic. I still catch myself trying to will a spoon to move when bored and in the presence of a spoon.)
"ARM. MOVE."
"That's it, I'm dead."
(trying to stop the drooling before the masseuse notices)
"Maybe I can move a finger"
(after five minutes, one finger twitches)
"Whew."
(distracted by carpet pattern. undetermined length of time later)
"Waitasecond, what if I had a stroke on the other side of my brain? OTHER FINGER, TWITCH!"
(......)
(finger on other hand twitches very slightly)
(drool resurfaces despite best attempts to cease)
"Is there a stroke that only paralyzes your lower half? I think I read about that somewhere. Wait, that's paraplegics or something. They need an accident or major trauma and not just a random blood clot. I think."
"FEET, TWITCH!"
(the clock gently ticks while the masseuse does her magic)
"Eh, whatever. Wheelchairs are cool."

The article listed "Ways you can tell that you've had a stroke", which included smiling to see if the sides of your mouth raise evenly, and raising your arms to see if they go to the same height. I swear I'm not a hypochondriac, but ask me how many times I smiled last night... (I bet some of you are smiling right now, you sickos)

posted by LadyJay @ 11:05 AM