The monkey made me do it

What did I do to deserve this...

Ack, another horrible date!

I knew this one would be bad (I actually accepted not because I liked him, but because I knew the conversation would be interesting due to the fact that his views on important things are 100% opposite of mine), but it started out bizarre and just got worse and worse.

He asked me out via e-mail, and I met him at a random party before I'd recieved the note. He mentioned that he'd put something in my inbox and I asked him if it was a death threat (of course I knew it was a date request - he had that look). He said he was going to boil my bunny. I told him all I had were two big watchdogs. He said he was going to boil my dogs. I told him that Rooster in particular is a little large for boiling and he said that he supposed he'd have to dismember them first.

This would have been funny if he wasn't so serious and thoughtful about the whole thing. I tried to laugh but he just smirked.

So of course I agree to go on a date! Here is what I found out about the man:

- He hates watching movies and gets antsy after the first 10 minutes, doesn't matter how good the story is
- He is hyper sensitive about his Jeep and is proud that he bought it and bragged that he didn't have to consult with any woman about the purchase
- He doesn't care for companionship or necessarily need sexual favors (celibate for 10 years)
- The only reason he can see to get married is to have children
- He thinks most women sleep around and most wives cheat
- Being cuckolded and raising someone else's child is one of his worst fears
- He does not think highly of adoption
- He's an accountant and thinks that all women are highly logical about their relationship decisions, weighing the pros and cons carefully
- He thinks women are far less attractive once they get past about 30 (probably should note here - I'm 31, and he knows that)
- He can't conceive of dating a woman that is anywhere near non-childbearing age
- He thinks any younger man that dates an older woman is trying to replace his mommy
- He has absolutely no sense of humor

I did my best to drive him far, far away and verbally smack some sense into him, but I fear I fell short. All I managed to do was tell him that I completely disagreed with all of his statements, that my last boyfriend was 26 and he had absolutely NO mommy complex (in fact, the last date I had was with a 22-year-old who I thought was 25, and he thought I was right around 25 so when we came to the "well, how old ARE you?" portion we both sat there for a while with stunned expressions. He forgave me for being older, though, and I forgave him for being younger. Now we're buds.), and also that I think women get far more attractive with experience and that I don't plan on popping out babies anytime soon and I don't think having a kid in your early-mid 20's is a very good idea since you are just discovering yourself at that point.

I also told him that his views on child bearing/rearing were incredibly childish and selfish, and that his valuing women only for their (functioning) wombs is a horrible way to approach a relationship, and that no woman in her right mind would date him knowing that was his stance. And I told him that family is NOT made of blood only, and that my adopted cousins are forever my family, and their kids and grandkids are family too regardless of biology. And then I told him that he must really hate women to assume that we all are entirely prone to cheating and would cuckold our men automatically. I've been cheated on by three different boyfriends, and I would never in my life put another person through that. AND when he asked me if I'd eat meat when pregnant (I've been vegetarian 8 years) I actually laughed in his face and told him that there was no way in hell, and that while any man I married could convince me to cook meat (with the risk of a no-taste-test system), I would never go back to eating it.

And probably through the course of the tirade I managed to convince him that women are far from logical about decisions of the heart. After all, according to his calculations I should have been waiting with bated breath for him to propose (he is well employed, has a car, a house, and a similar belief system). He even went out of his way to tell me how often he worked out and how many pull-ups he could do.

Where do I find these guys?

posted by LadyJay @ 1:09 PM