The monkey made me do it

How To Break Up

The Ideal: Both people begin to realize that the relationship is no longer functional, for mutually-accepted legitimate, crystal-clear reasons. They begin the healthy emotional distancing process and then shortly agree to meet and discuss The Status Of The Relationship (TSOTR). In a lucid, non-argumentative fashion, they discuss TSOTR for 1/2 hour or less, and both agree that the problems are large and unfixable and that both would like to end the relationship amicably. They shake hands, wish the other well, and exit feeling like they've grown as people.

Then little birdies land on their shoulders and lift them effortlessly into the blue, blue sky while singing sweet songs about bunnies (oh, and magical bunnies are at their feet helping to push them into the air) and a unicorn/pegasus (Unisus? Pegacorn? Why do those suddenly sound like software companies?) flies up to carry them to happy invisible nonexistent land.

The Reality: Try to make the break-up talk happen in a public place so they won't threaten you or start crying or do both simultaneously.

As a not-really-that-logical person (a.k.a. artist, creative person, and grown woman who still holds her breath while going through tunnels), I'm constantly amazed at how many relationships of mine have ended with the guy being completely blindsided by my wanting to break up with him. Somehow only I can see the major differences in core beliefs, life goals, current behavior, and general overall compatibility. I try to work through the differences and openly discuss where there are problems, but when a fella is in denial it's a little hard sometimes to tell him that YES it is a problem to me that he wants to date a Puerto Rican girl at the same time he's dating me. 'Cause, you know, HE doesn't have a problem with it so how can I?

So here's the system (you had to know there was a system). It's a multi-stage process with a few choose-your-own-adventure moments.

1. Try to fix the thing. You got in the relationship for a reason, didn't you? Something about attraction and liking of personalities? Take a good look and see if what's making you want to run is really worth it (a.k.a. beliefs, goals, lifestyle choices, Puerto Ricans).

2. Talk to the partner in your relationship about the problems. There is the potential that they haven't seen them or don't think they're as large as you see them. This might inspire change, or might inspire denial. Either way, this stage makes the next stages fair (even if they don't think there are problems, at least now you've warned them that you think something's wrong).

3. DISTANCE yourself. Get some perspective about what's going on and re-evaluate whether or not things can be fixed if the aforementioned desire to change is carried through. I'm talking emotional and physical distance. This is the shot across the bow.

4. Start the separation if your evaluation has led down the path to dumpsville (population: them). I was only half-kidding earlier when I said to do it in a public place - you really don't know how they will react, particularly if they have been in the lovely land of denial this whole time. I've had an otherwise somewhat calm, reasonable guy start yelling at me and weeping when I broke the news. I've also had threats, promises, and outright overt attempts at manipulation (granted, playground-level "Well, then I guess I'll go sleep with all your friends then") (p.s. my friends have a strong "Stay away from everyone's men, current and ex" policy). This may seem like a good reason to break up via e-mail or phone, but face-to-face is key for overall understanding and clarity. It doesn't have to be in the middle of a crowded movie theater, but at least a coffeehouse where you can grab a bystander when things get wierd. TSOTR gets muddy at this point, and it may help you to narrow the breaking points down to 2 or 3 big ones and to keep reaffirming them. For instance:
THEM: "I can't believe you want to give up such a good thing"
YOU: "You had a threesome and none of the three was me"
THEM: "But I love you!"
YOU: "I'm Christian and you believe that God is a crystal currently being carried by a homeless man who lives under the Aurora bridge"
THEM: "I can change!"
YOU: "Did I mention the threesome thing?"

5. Leave, turn off your phone, and go do something that will make you happy (I'm talking movie, cocktails with friends, hiking a mountain, etc. and NOT immediately picking up a new love/lust). I'm of the firm belief that breaking up with someone is roughly 1,000 times harder than being broken up with since there is no clear bringer of harm besides yourself. Break-ees have it easy - get pissed at the Break-er and spend the next five years badmouthing them. Break-ers get pissed at themselves, pissed at the situation, and when they badmouth it just sounds like they're talking to themselves and people look at them funny.

6. Don't date for a while. Whenever you feel the urge to date, read this again and remember how much fun single-hood can be.

7. Don't hang out with the ex. This never ends well, and gives you zero chance to heal from the broken relationship. I know it's hard, especially in longer relationships where you've started to share friends and favorite places, but backtracking to "friends" is impossible. Something about the two of you didn't work, and will not work despite what new label you try to put on the relationship.

8. Rediscover how wonderful your friends are, and strengthen those ties. Make new friends, introduce them to your older friends, and let life roll as it may.

This is much more serious than I was intending, but I realized as I was writing how many of my friends are currently going through this (as the Break-er and Break-ee) (my advice to the Break-ee is same as above: try to fix, talk, distance, and #5-8 are identical. The timeline is simply condensed because you are coming into the process after the other person). Relationships that end are painful, but it's a necessary pain. They do end for a reason, don't they?

Here, this will make you feel better.
How NOT To Break Up, by the men I have dated:

1. Tell her that you can't see her as often because you are taking care of your sick mother. Go to a club that you know she frequents (because she introduced you to it, and loves the live band, and goes every week) and bring another woman. Make out with the other woman when you know she is watching. Send her a text message saying, roughly "Jan, you looked really great tonight.", prompting her to text back "YOU ******* (censored for the sensitive)!! I ****** HATE YOU!!! Never ****** contact me again." Wait, I guess that was me breaking up with him. Never call me Jan.

2. Assume that she is sleeping with every man within a 20-block radius, even though she is young and enamored with you. Start a relationship with a woman from your hometown, since you live 1/2 hour away and she is not likely to find out. Bring a (highly unflattering, not that I'm bitter) photo of the new woman to church with you and show your 1st girlfriend's sister, who you are friends with, the picture. Wait.

3. Buy her things she doesn't want or need. Schedule times to be together, then back out at the last minute so you can hang out with friends. Spend weeks apart. When she asks to see you more, remind her that she has stuffed animals to keep her company. Then tell her not-so-kindly that you went into short term debt for her and she should be grateful. Guaranteed, she will break up with you over the phone (long-distance) and not feel one ounce of guilt.

posted by LadyJay @ 11:48 AM