The monkey made me do it

Pup psychology

It was yesterday afternoon when I fully realized that my dogs have thrust me into a different dimension.

I was interviewing another potential dogsitter for the Memorial Day Weekend camping trip I’m planning (yes, I am aware of the approximately 295 things that are wrong about that sentence, none of them having to do with camping), and we had gone through vet info, emergency contact info, collar details, shot records, feeding schedule, treat preferences, toy preferences (Monkey = marrow-filled bones, Rooster = stuffed animals with a squeaker) (which means that every time I come home, I hear “SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE SQUEE” and several hard thumps as I reach my door, since both have to greet me with their favorite things in mouth), and favored playtime activities (Monkey = eternal vigorous tug o’war with any object that’s handy, Rooster = sitting on your head while dropping slimy tennis balls on whatever is left exposed), we got to the section on their fears.

She sat calmly while I explained about Monkey’s spotty history with offleash parks and the fact that she can’t meet dogs head-on without growling and playing tough (funny enough, she’s fine if she sniffs butt first), and delved into her deep fear of thunder and fireworks, waxing philosophical and creating a convincing backstory including a lost love, careless gunplay, and a failed bombing attempt. I still don’t know how to explain her vendetta against vacuums (not as much a fear as an overwhelming need to tackle while snarling) so I left that out of the conversation. Did manage to mention, however, that I had trained her in agility and she will still touch anything that looks like a plastic yogurt lid with her nose on command, but I’m thinking that was more harmful than helpful.

I noticed an eyebrow raise when I moved on to Rooster and got into his deep, intense fear of linoleum flooring. It went even higher as I explained that I hoped to get his CGC Rating (Canine Good Citizen – it’s a behavioral test) and train him as a Therapy Dog to visit retirement homes and hospitals, but his fear of linoleum was the main thing holding him back from reaching his true canine potential.

Luckily at this point the pups in question decided to play-wrestle with a stuffed snowflake toy left over from their Christmas bounty, so I was saved by the “Aren’t they just the cutest lil’ things!?”

After she left, I looked around my house and took special note of the 7 hollow bones (that I will shortly refill with peanut butter bought specifically for the dogs and then freeze for special treats), approximately 22 tennis balls (with another 15 or so in a basket by the door, most coated in dried mud), bits and pieces of 5+ stuffed toys, 2 giant, plush dog beds, closet full of treats ranging from rawhide to beef knuckles (when I don’t eat meat and can’t stand to handle the stuff), gourmet dog food, assortment of throwing toys for balls that they never bring back, and 2 sofas bought because they are too big to share one. Then I looked at my house, which was rented for the backyard and proximity to the offleash park, in addition to its older carpet and linoleum that I knew I’d appreciate while housetraining Rooster (to which I have to say: good call, self). Then I looked at my car, which was bought for its backseat, stain-resistant fabrics, and low ground clearance.

There once was a guy who, angry that Rooster had ninja-licked his cheek (at my urging) one too many times, ominously declared that “as long as you have those dogs, no man will ever love you”. I’m not worried. Whoever is brave enough to love the mess that is me (see: entire above paragraph and all previous bloggage) will have no issue adding in the two little fountains of hair-covered affection that I have created through my years of crazy-dog-ladyship. Compared to their owner, they are completely normal.

posted by LadyJay @ 10:24 AM 0 comments

Random convo

rb: Ja, do you have a webcam?

Ja B: no, I'm not 14

rb: beeyotch

Ja B: also not a hooker

rb: webcams are the new camera phones

Ja B: for underage hookers

rb: beeyotch

Ja B: sassy today, aren't we?

rb: so are you saying you dont have a webcam?

rb: at all>?

rb: ?

Ja B: not at all

Ja B: or will, ever

rb: whatever.....you dont own an imac yet

Ja B: I like to do the no-webcam strip tease

Ja B: "I'm taking off my pants..."

Ja B: "and you can't see me!"

Ja B: HAH

rb: you are are taking the pants of?

Ja B: my work has an open office plan

Ja B: so, yes

rb: atta girl, princesss present tense

Ja B: I prefer the subjunctive

rb: whatever, miss past perfect tense

Ja B: yes on the past perfect

rb: seriously...you cant wait until i visit can you?

Ja B: it's certainly going to be interesting

Ja B: can you bring a dolphin?

rb: no, dolphins are only san diego visit attractions

Ja B: damn

rb: well then come down

Ja B: how about a camel?

rb: no camels here...sorry...want a goat?

Ja B: can you dress it up like a camel?

rb: no

rb: do you not appreciate the differnce between camels and goats?

Ja B: no, can't say I do

rb: racist

Ja B: speciesist

Ja B: I just spit on myself

rb: dont lay your hangups on me!!!

Ja B: I just lub the camels iz all

Ja B: sometimes I even wear their toes

rb: hump hore

…

rb: your job sucks ass

Ja B: hey, I get to play with spaceships today

Ja B: not 100% suck

rb: i am helping humans live free

rb: can you beat that?

Ja B: spaceships! woo!

Ja B: screw free

Ja B: I got funny-looking helmets

Ja B: and space ice cream

rb: deserve freedom

rb: afghans

Ja B: you forgot the "you don't" part

rb: shut up

Ja B: you need space ice cream

rb: i mean that the afghans deserve freedom'

rb: they do

rb: and thats why i am here

rb: band aid chick

Ja B: how did you know that's what I was wearing?

Ja B: creeeeepy

rb: i have informants

Ja B: stalkers?

rb: they see you ripping openthe pacakages of band aids

Ja B: are they spongebob squarepants or batman?

Ja B: this is a test

rb: they cant read

rb: quit hating

Ja B: oh come on

Ja B: sponge vs. bat and they're confused?

Ja B: your stalkers SUCK

rb: they are muslims....

rb: cut them some slack

Ja B: I want some jihad bandaids

rb: sweetie...;i'

rb: i'll get you some

Ja B: that's the sweetest thing

Ja B: can the "JIHAD" be in big comic-book lettering?

rb: only because you are hot

Ja B: awww

Ja B: and a bee yotch

posted by LadyJay @ 1:22 PM 0 comments

Valentine of the week

(This actually happened the Saturday before V-Day, but I'm counting it as part of the holiday week because... uh, because I can and if you're splitting hairs to that extent then somebody didn't get enough chocolate and hugs)

I took a great group of people out to one of the smallest downtown missions/homeless shelters on Saturday morning, and we had a great time throwing together lunches and getting to know the guys in their recovery program. The lunches were truly works of art, since what we had to work with was a bizarre collection of donations they had scraped together for the day, including:

* Krispy Kreme donuts (TONS of these)
* Airline peanut packets
* Halloween candy
* Twizzlers
* Deep fried tofu bits (yes, really)
* BLT sandwiches (premade, from some big company)
* Sushi
* Baked potato chips
* Granola bars
* Individual-sized salads in plastic clamshells

Those plus the PB&J sandwiches we whipped up made for some interesting menu planning. Once we thought we had enough bags of goodies, we packed everything up in crates, grabbed some large pots of hot chocolate and cups, and hit the streets.

The mission we were volunteering at hadn't had a project like this before. They traditionally just served meals in their building and hadn't tried bringing their meals on the road (we were seriously the first group to try this for them). Luckily, the 20+ people in my group had great attitudes and we quickly learned how to find and approach groups of homeless folk without either frightening them or becoming frightened ourselves.

On the third city park we hit, I met a lovely man who would be the highlight of my week. My job during the chaos of our food distribution was initially to wrangle people and dispense hot chocolate, but after a while my drink was taken from me (all those energetic volunteers!) and I switched to taking pictures of everyone and yelling "HEY! You wanna sandwich?!" to anyone who looked remotely hungry.

**I would like to hereby apologize to all the non-homeless Saturday commuters, by the way. I didn't mean to imply that you looked like street people, we just had an awful lot of sandwiches and yelling is fun.**

This lovely fellow saw me and zoomed in like a lazer. He already had his hands full with his lunch, but he followed me as I circled the group, mumbling something I couldn't understand. I brought a friend over to help translate and he said "uh... he's saying "picture" I think". I held up the camera and immediately he posed. Mystery solved, I set out to document this model to be.

Here's an artsy profile shot:


And here is his specialty, the "wait for the moment right before the shutter goes and pull a face".


There were more, but I think you get the point. He was lovely, and I felt bad that we eventually had to say goodbye and move on to another park. Maybe next time I'll bring some props and we'll do a real photo shoot. And I'll make sure to bring a translator, since my understanding of his insistent "picture" plea was just about matched by his understanding of my "There's a nice shelter down the street a couple blocks where you can have a bed and food".

At least I know he got his Krispy Kreme food group requirement for the day. Sometimes you just do what you can.

posted by LadyJay @ 11:06 AM 0 comments

Spare a handful of exact change?

I was on my way into Lowe's last night to buy some cup hooks and tarp clips (you know, the norm) when a nice looking man approached me and said hello. I said hi back and noticed that he was a little frantic, and the following conversation ensued:

Dude: (all in one long rambling sentence) Please don't be scared or anything, I'm not trying to rob you...
Me: (under his rambling) I'm not scared
Dude: ...I got a job and stuff (flashes large keychain with YMCA symbol), I'm not homeless and I can't believe I'm coming up to a stranger like this but...
Me: S'ok
Dude: ...my car over there (gestures wildly) is out of gas and they won't let me put it in a milk jug. (deep breath) Do you have a gas can I can borrow?
Me: No, I don't have one in my car. There's a Schuck's Auto store right across the corner...
Dude: Yeah I know but if I get one of those then I won't have any money for gas. (here he gulps, looks down) Do you have $1.87?
Me: (giggles)
Dude: No, man! It's not funny! I can't believe I'm doing this!
Me: No, no... it's not you it's the $1.87
Dude: (now frowning at the ground and fidgeting, starts mumbling again) This is crazy I have a home...
Me: Hold on... (reached in my pocket, found $4 and pulled it out) Here.
Dude: Thanks very much... (more mumbling as he speed-walks towards his car)

Now, what's significant about this is that I NEVER give money to panhandlers and in fact have been known to go off on people that fall for their tricks (particularly since most panhandlers are not homeless and actually damage the reputation of homeless folk), but there was something about this guy that made me think "You have been close to situations like this and isn't that how you would sound if you were out of gas with no can in a bad location?" It is quite possible that he was telling the truth and that I did a good deed.

It is also possible that I got completely duped and that the $1.87 was a random enough number chosen to trick people into giving change. In which case, I was duped royally (well, "royally" would probably be more in the $20 range so maybe I'll just stick with "espresso-price stupid").

In either case, I plan on giving $5 this weekend to the real-live homeless shelter I'm going to be working at, just to counterbalance this questionable act of generosity. Or add on to it, however the truth of the matter falls out.

(I'm excited about the volunteer gig this weekend. Usually when you volunteer at shelters you're either serving food or doing manual labor without time to interact with any of the residents (for their safety, I guess), but this time we're doing background checks and will spend a few hours in conversation! I'm sure many good stories will be coming)

(The best story I have right now is the guy who would come in early when I was regularly serving dinners at the Union Gospel Mission on Sunday nights. Since no one else was allowed in the room, we asked if he was breaking the rules and needed to be shown out. The guys in charge said that he was a special case, since he thought he was invisible and if you confronted him he got really upset. You know, since you could see him and all. He wore a Seahawks knit cap, big dark sunglasses, ratty clothes, and has a beard like Santa Claus - so if you see him on the street, don't look at him. He's invisible)

posted by LadyJay @ 4:26 PM 0 comments

Life on the trail

Hiking is an activity that joins often an incredibly diverse group of people in a journey towards a common goal. They may be friends heading up a mountain, or complete strangers attempting to find an elusive waterfall. Sometimes the goals are unmet, and other times the goal changes mid-hike from “let’s summit that mountain!” to “let’s take it easy and just appreciate the scenery” depending on the fitness levels and trail conditions that the group encounters. Other times the group reaches their waterfall, lake, lookout post, or mountain, and spends their halfway break gathered in appreciation of the beauty around them.

As you can tell, there are a wide range of experiences that are contained under the “Hey everybody, let’s go hiking!” banner.

The one constant that I have found in my years on the trail (besides someone getting blisters. Someone ALWAYS gets blisters) is the onset of what I like to call Trail Insanity. This may be unique to my group of co-hikers, since often we pass other groups that are processing in a very solemn line, eyes on the ground except for the required friendly “hello”, arms swinging to a soothing rhythm only they can hear. I don’t buy it though - somehow I think that they are similarly affected and as soon as we are around the bend they relapse into silliness.

Trail Insanity occurs when the group realizes that they are going to be surrounded by the same people for the next 2-6 hours, and they’ve already exhausted the “Where are you from?” and “What do you do for a living?” questions, along with resulting mini-conversations. I’m not sure how it happens, but a certain kind of madness strikes after walking in silence for a long enough time. People start singing that don’t normally sing, tree branches are sculpted into pretzels of attempted entertainment, and conversations take a decidedly bizarre turn. Here are some examples:

* A woman who I’d only met once before and I are in a mini-group (split off from a larger group) with two men who were complete strangers to both of us. We start hiking into snow and I’m not really sure how it happened, but suddenly we’re singing “The Lonely Goatherd” song from The Sound of Music and unsuccessfully attempting to get either one of the fellas to sing the goat part.

* On a hike with a couple different families, a young girl and I spent 2+ hours searching for the perfect walking stick. Over TWO HOURS of running up and down the trail, exploring every spur and junction, all for a series of twigs that were each determined to be “too bumpy”, “too mossy”, “not fat enough” or just plain “too twiggy”. Then of course at the end of the trail we threw them (the perfect sticks-to-end-all-sticks) away.

* Elaborately staging a series of photos to make it look like we were climbing high up a cliff or at the top of a tree, done by climbing about a foot off the ground and angling the camera upwards carefully. Dramatic facial expressions were also employed, as were scenes of potential danger (a.k.a. “oh no! Her hand has slipped from its hold and she is on the verge of plummeting towards her doom!”).

* On another snow hike, early in January when the snow was large sections of mainly ice with a dusting of powder on top, a friend decided that it was winter and ice or no ice, he was going to make a snow angel. His method was to run full-force towards the nearest ice bank and attempt to implant his shoulder and enough of his body to make it a pattern. He didn’t stop until we all agreed that it looked just like an angel.

* Wearing shirts on heads, backpacks on fronts, socks as armbands, and adapting zip-off pant legs to become headbands, sleeves, belts, and bandit masks.

All I’m saying is, don’t be surprised if your friends start acting a little odd when you take them hiking for a long period of time. Just sing the goat part, take lots of pictures to document the insanity, and be grateful that nature is inspirational in multiple ways.

posted by LadyJay @ 2:51 PM 0 comments