Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Two sides to every story

This is so stinkin' funny... A family came camping with us this past weekend (28 of the 30 people were single, there was one crazy older lady who was married but the rest were 20-35 years old and unattached) and the dad was obviously not the outdoors type. I have no problem with this, since many of my friends would only go camping if the world had adjustable heating/a.c. and the dirt was fluffy like a pillow top, but seeing the rant he typed on his MySpace blog and comparing to my happy warmfuzzy memories made it all seem just a little more entertaining. He also had no idea I would ever find the posting (insert evil laugh...)

Here it is, with my notes in parentheses:

"Camping Rant
Current mood: aggravated

We went camping this past weekend. I'm going to have to face it, I'm not a camper. There's a reason I paid good money for a house with a bathroom, a kitchen, and a bed. And that good reason was not so that I could go sleep outside. Anyway, here are a few of the things I learned about camping:

1. No camping trip costs $50, even if that's how your spouse lewers you in.
(it actually WAS $50 - food included - for their family of 5, but apparently his wife convinced him to use the occasion to buy a whole lot more camping gear, for which she is now my hero)

2. Campfires cannot get you warm. They can only heat you one side at a time. You are always at least half way cold.
(this is why fireside sitting should always include a constant rotation of body parts near the fire to even out the burning/freezing ratio)

3. It doesn't matter which chair you move to, the smoke from the campfire will follow you, and you're eyes will ache from it in the morning.
(I can't argue this one. Smoke is evil and tracks the weak, but dang it smells good on the camping clothes the next day!)(this may be a good time to note that I truly believe camping is a masochistic endeavor on many fronts and that I may be just a little crazy for liking it as much as I do)

4. Grass is not as soft as it looks. Don't get too excited about putting your tent on it.
(try rocks. Better yet, try snow. Actually snow IS pretty soft, just butt-freezingly evil)

5. The ground has been cold for a long time. You are not going to warm it up by laying on it.
(I love this guy)

6. Even if it is 35 degrees outside and all you have is an outhouse, kids' bladders are not large enough to last through the night.
7. It doesn't matter which tent you put your kids in, they will end up kicking you in yours.
(moral of the story: don't have kids. If you do have kids, don't camp with them. If you do camp with them, put them in a separate tent 20 yards away with a plastic bottle to pee in and staple their tent shut)

8. Tents suck at keeping out light in the morning.
(also sound, and freezing temperatures)

9. People who love camping can be really annoying after 9 hours on a cold, hard ground.
(I have no idea what he's talking about here)

10. If you're cold and tired, there's no where to go except your tent, which is where you got cold and tired in the first place.
(I'm beginning to think he maybe didn't want to hang out with us...)

11. There are people who want to go do difficult, strenuous tasks (i.e. hiking, scuba diving) even after doing a difficult, strenuous task all night long (i.e. trying to sleep on a cold hard ground). Do not be friends with them.
(hmm, this one's pretty vague)

12. Don't accept assorted jelly bellys from a stranger. You never know what flavors are going to be involved.
(this one is totally my fault. My friend M and I split a pack of Every Flavor Beans (which are the jelly bellies in question) while waiting in line for the last Harry Potter movie premier, and she gave me another pack for easter. Having already suffered through the ordeal of eating sardine and booger flavored beans, I brought them along to share but hid the little card that told what they were. Chaos ensued. There were casualties, particularly this guy)(I think he got the vomit)

13. MySpace withdrawals are worse than I had imagined."
(I could actually see him twitching from them around the campfire. Or maybe that was from the constant smoke clouding his head.)

Monday, April 24, 2006

Weekend woo

It was a recipe for disaster. We planned the camping trip thinking it would be only scuba divers, and since last time we camped (last year, in the San Juans) we had a grand total of four people, I volunteered to cook for the trip again. Saves time, saves money, and I get a kick out of it since I never really do fancy stuff at home (the dogs don't really "get" gourmet). Then we announced the trip, and other people wanted to come along that weren't divers. I thought, "Hey, we can do some hiking while we're there!". Before I knew it, we had 34 people signed up and were considering adding a fourth campsite to the group.

I went to Costco.

I also bought a giant screen tent (since camping generally = rain, and cooking in the rain is miserable) and borrowed gear from everyone I knew. I began telling people that the trip was full and quickly tried to arrange carpools since only two cars were allowed per site (and only 4 tents, but I was prepared to break that rule since it was early in the season). I planned a menu that allowed for pre-preparation as much as possible, and spent the two nights before the trip cooking until well past midnight, freezing what I could and stuffing my refrigerator to the brim with food.

So what we had was a bunch of mostly unknown people, an overstuffed campsite, sketchy weather (Washington weather is always sketchy), and a commitment to provide food for far more people than originally anticipated.

But it was wonderful, and people helped out in the kitchen and talked to other people they hadn't met before, and laughed and played with the kids that came along, and nobody got hurt and nobody went hungry. And the sun came out every day and the temperature dipped into freezing every night (hey, this isn't a fairy tale after all) and the scenery was beautiful. So yay for the weekend, and now I want to sleep for a week. Just because.

And now, photos:
Some of the tents (tents were on one side of the road, kitchen/campfire on the other)


Some of the punks (there were 30 total)


I will add in pics of the kitchen monstrosity when I get them. It was enormous and contained 4 campstoves and 2 grills, and 2 picnic tables covered in food.

Had forgotten what it felt like to sleep in 3 layers of clothes, plus gloves and hat. Last time I slept like that it was snowing and I was on the Continental Divide. We joked that if we peed on one side of the ridge it would flow to the Atlantic, and the other side of the ridge would flow to the Pacific. We tried to be bicoastal. That has nothing to do with anything. I may be a little bit tired still. Carry on.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The anatomy of a crush

Running into an old college crush a couple weekends ago made me think of this. He wanted to talk to me and hang out, but for some reason I made horrible excuses and ran off (and have been kicking myself about it for a while). Then I realized, I've done this before - I've inched towards a crush until we've crossed paths, and gotten to know them personally and IT'S NEVER TURNED OUT WELL. Ever ever ever.

Reasons?
One guy had horrible, gut-wrenching man stank. It didn't show up until a couple hours into the evening, but it happened EVERY TIME we hung out.
Another guy started out well, but then asked me to have his babies. The first night. And he was serious.
Yet another turned out to be bisexual, extrordinarily arrogant and a borderline alcoholic. But DAMN was he cute!

What I've determined is that all parties involved should realize and respect one single fact:

CRUSHES ARE SACRED
and mess with them at your own risk.

Here's how it all goes down. One party (a.k.a. "you") finds another party (a.k.a. "them") attractive for one or more reasons. Note: If you have too many reasons, it moves beyond crush territory and into full-on attraction, mess with that... please! The party known as "them" can NOT be a friend or someone that you have an established relationship with. Crushes need adequate distance to function properly. In order to grow a functioning crushhood, you need to focus completely on the reason/trait that you find compelling and forget entirely that this is a complete person with multiple sides to their personality. A full view of their personality will only squash your crush (hee).

What you need to do build a fabulously artificial person, one that can play the drums like a house on fire or put out a house on fire like an angel from heaven or look like an angel from heaven like... uh, lost it there. Your crush is allowed some negative personality traits, but they have to be downright adorable. Something like "He always buys too many flowers for his girlfriends" or "She bites her fingernails, but into perfect smooth arcs" or "His neuroses and anxiety give him just the perfect level of attentiveness to my percieved needs".

You also need to be able to maintain your crush, with close brush-bys (no contact!) and viewing from afar. Here is where I have to make a distinction between crushing and stalking. Crushing is sweet and innocent. No binoculars, no black ski masks, no duct tape. Yes, flowered journals with "Mr. and Mrs. ____" written 200 times and concealing yourself behind large potted plants to see if he takes his coffee with cream and sugar (in a CUTE way. If you find yourself behind a potted plant with a tazer and duct tape, at least check to see if the duct tape has daisies printed on it. If so, continue crushing). Meeting your crush is the quickest way to kill the thing - if they make a move to begin talking to you, swerve or sneeze or drop something distracting and then run in the other direction. The easiest crushes are actors, musicians, etc. who are guaranteed to be seen by many on a fairly regular basis and also guaranteed to rarely be seen in any places you will likely be going. The hardest crushes are coworkers or fellow social group members. It's far more obvious when you blush and refuse to speak to the guy two offices down the hall (but can be done - you can pretend to be mute! Fighting Tourettes! Crazy!).

The all-time worst crush killers are:
1. Close physical proximity for an extended period of time (see man stank man)
2. Conversation
3. Viewing your crush in the morning
4. Knowing any more about their personality beyond the parts you find attractive

Then they just become "THAT guy" or "THAT girl" and recede until they become the butt of jokes or the source of only slightly entertaining stories and you have to find a new crush again. Crushes are never meant to develop into something more, and should only be maintained if the crusher needs a hobby or spends a lot of time daydreaming about nothing (instead of daydreaming about "I wonder what her favorite pet was as a child"). If you're looking for a relationship, then do that but don't begrudge us our pie-in-the-sky, mildly commitment-phobic, rose-hued world where I still think Prince is dreamy and David Bowie is a hunka hunka talented white boy.

Viva la crush.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

campingcampingcamping

Sometimes I honestly worry about my sanity. Generally on days like this one, when I roll out of bed and stumble out of my room to see that almost a full room of my house is now taken over with camping gear storage.


(No, the congas are not for camping. They are what usually lives there, alone and happy and seeming much bigger than in the above photo)

The sanity questioning comes after realizing that I have organized a camping trip for 28 people (many of whom are friends-of-friends and completely unknown) and promised to provide gear for the novice campers AND told them I would do all the cooking for the three days we'll be out there. Plus organizing hikes and scuba diving to keep everyone entertained.

It can only be attributed to a long, wet winter spent mainly indoors. That and an established family history of camping addiction (both my parents and my sister and her husband went camping for their honeymoons). I still cannot excuse the fact that when I was compiling all of the personal stash of gear, I realized that I have not one, not two, but FIVE sleeping bags! Just me. Five bags. Of course there is a voice in the back of my head hollering "but they're different types! Two of them zip together so really it's only four and a half!". I swear camping causes abnormal thought processes. Also, tonight I'm going to go and buy more tarps, even though I probably have 7 or 8 of those. And more ropes, so apparently I can weave a giant web over the campsite, should we need one.

Still, I am willing to bet that we'll all get out there and I'll realize I have forgotten the spoons.