The monkey made me do it

The only class where watching "The Princess Bride" is considered homework

When registering for my junior year of college in Texas, I decided that a P.E. class would be a great way to relax and take the edge off my otherwise packed schedule. I looked at the list of classes and found that only one of the remaining open classes fit. Fencing. I didn't know a thing about the sport, or even if it was a sport, but decided to go for it out of desperation. I signed up not knowing anyone else in the class and nervously went to the bookstore to get the required gear. When I saw the jacket, helmet and gloves a wave of excitement washed over me. I was going to get to play beekeeper! When they handed me the two plastic dishes I had no idea what to think. I packed them away and went nervously to the first class, where the instructor very quietly explained that they were breast protectors and that they slipped inside the jacket into special pouches. I felt like Madonna with her cone bra - those things were gigantic and made a spectacular "DONK" sound when hit with a foil. Also worked well as frisbees.

My fencing classmates were hilarious, and just a little bit scary. There was a giant of a man named Dirk who was the head of the campus Medieval society, and three of his minions who were far shorter and scrawnier and obviously grateful for his protection. You couldn't look at them without knowing they were at that moment imagining themselves with capes flowing from their backs as they clutched their staffs and mumbled spells, looking solemly off into the distant enchanted gymnasium. There was a couple other geeky guys of the unspecified computerish sort and one other goth girl who really just wanted to use her sword to whip people. I attempted to make friends, and had almost won the Ren-fair geeks over with my spotty knowledge of Monty Python, when we were subjected to the physical fitness test and I lost everything I'd earned.

You have to remember that I'd been a forest firefighter now for two summers, and done sports before that. I did well in all of the tests, didn't raise any suspicions with my performance in the sit-ups and push-ups. But when we got to the bench press test, things went horribly wrong. I got in position with the guys behind me manning the weights (I couldn't see how much they'd put on) and did the first rep, which felt like nothing. They asked if I wanted more weight and I told them to double it. I did another rep with the added weight and still felt like it was light. This repeated and repeated with more and more weight until I could feel that a sizeable crowd had gathered behind me. I finally reached my limit and set down the bar, getting up to see the pale faces and big eyes of my classmates who were looking at the final amount that I had lifted. It turned out that I had benched more weight than any of the men in my class. 150 lbs. I turned bright red and tried to ignore the boys muttering "No way in hell she's getting near me with a sword".

I ended up being really good at fencing, thanks to quick reflexes and enough flexibility to make really long lunges. I developed a very aggressive style of fighting that I'd only bring out when I was feeling evil, but that plus my now-infamous strength made me a force to be reckoned with in the class. One guy even got a nickname from a match we fought when I scared the piss out of him with an attack, and he literally turned his back to me and ran off the strip. Until he graduated the poor boy was known as "The Rabbit".

We had a tournament at the end of the class and I managed to beat out everyone but Dirk (did I mention he was HUGE?). I got a t-shirt and felt like even more of a dork for being a winner amongst the geeks. But my fencing journey wasn't over yet - the instructor wanted me to try out for the Junior Olympics and convinced me to train with him for an extra couple of months. I did horribly at the tournament since the women fenced completely different from the men I was used to fighting. They were all about finesse and lightly touching the scoring patch. I didn't have a chance, despite the reflexes and training - most of the women there had been fencing for years and I'd done it for less than six months. Still, another t-shirt added to the pile and another batch of useless vocabulary words to confuse people with. I still have the boob protectors, I'm not quite sure why anymore but I can't seem to make myself get rid of them.

posted by LadyJay @ 2:21 PM