Revised product warnings
(on the Sonicare toothbrush that Santa gave me this year) (I love it when Santa gets all practical - I also got socks)
What the directions say: "Gel toothpaste is recommended"
What they mean: "If you should be a lazy butt and choose to not run to the store to purchase gel toothpaste especially for this new fancy toy you've recieved, you will regret it immediately. Your existing paste toothpaste, which you love and have bought for use with your hand-powered toothbrush for years, will foam alarmingly when used with the Sonicare toothbrush and quickly fill your mouth with (tasty) suds.
You will not be able to remove the toothbrush from your mouth to lessen the production of increasingly uncomfortable paste bubbles since the Sonicare has a very particular 2-minute timer and you are a little obsessed about brushing your teeth for the exact 2 minutes. What you will end up doing is having an uncontrollable waterfall of suds dripping from your face as you attempt to manuever the wildly vibrating dental appliance evenly around your mouth, frightening local children, canines, neighbors, and the elderly (who by now really should be immune to shock when it comes to drooling)."
What the directions say: "You may feel a tickling or tingling sensation when first using your Sonicare toothbrush."
What they mean: "Five hours after using your Sonicare toothbrush, you will again be able to pronounce the "th" sound without producing (paste-scented) spit bubbles. Your jaw, however, will not cease vibrating until 8+ hours after toothbrush use, which is fortunately right about the time you need to brush again."
What the directions say: "Try not to allow the back of the tootbrush to come in contact with your teeth"
What they mean: "You will only do this once. After the initial pained yelp and tearing up, you will attempt to unhinge your jaw in order for it to never, ever happen again (because of course you can't STOP - it hasn't been 2 minutes yet!). Any further brushing will be done with your mouth open and stretched in directions both unnatural and inhumane in order to allow the demon bristles to do their work far from any neighboring teeth, lip, or gum. These contortions, in combination with the fact that you are spewing foam uncontrollably and still slightly weeping from the first brush/tooth contact, mean that no one will ever be allowed to watch you brush your teeth ever ever ever in the future. Ever."
posted by LadyJay @ 1:46 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home