How To Find Love And Talk To Girls
I just typed a gi-normous letter to a friend of my brother who I've only met a couple of times about how to date, specifically in and around church-land and internet-land, and now want to share my finger cramping with the world. Why he's asked me this stuff, I'm not sure (see the first sentence of my advice), but now that it's out of my brain you are all welcome to it. My head hurts.
Here you go:
"You also realize though that (brother) is currently single, as am I, so my relationship advice is quite possibly a load of crap?
Just thought I'd warn you.
How you approach a girl:
Step 1.
Get into the mindset where you don't care if she likes you or not. Girls can smell desperation and nervousness a mile away. We're like bees. You can be interested, but in the back of your mind your thought process should be more like "hey, she's cool. It would be nice if we could hang out more" than the typical "I'm going to go in my room and cry if she says anything that I can possibly misconstrue into a critique of my character and personality" or "this is the woman God wants me to marry. I have to make her realize this in the next fifteen minutes". Or the almost audible "pleeeeeeaaaase like me please please please pleeeeaaaaasssssssssuh" mantra.
Step 2.
Say "hi" (this only works in the physical realm. If you e-mail someone with just a "hi" she will ignore you unless she is an attention whore and wants to talk to anybody). Say something else, hopefully related to the situation you are currently in or related to a detail you have noticed about her person (NOT her body or physical appearance, I'm talking about if she's carrying a book or if she's currently balanced on one hand twirling a fire baton.
How this might work:
You are at church, which is a dodgy place to pick up women since a large percentage of "Christian" single men only attend church to get tail. You see a pretty girl who looks like a possible Def Leppard fan. It's after service and you are both milling around in the foyer looking lost.
You: "Hi."
Her: "Hi (smile)" (If there is no smile or a chill wafting your way, move on at this point)
You: "So did you agree with the sermon, the part where he said that God will only forgive your sins if you learn to pray in Cantonese?"
etc.
Be careful approaching people at church. Lots of women have their guard up (me included, I have to admit. "Christian" men I've met at church have ended up to be the worst of the lot, dating-wise). DO NOT tell them they are good looking until you are dating! It immediately tells them that you are mainly interested in their appearance and the intelligent, talented women you're looking for will be completely turned off by your shallow approach. That said, once you're dating you better tell her she's pretty and how wonderful she is very often (just not too early or it gets creepy). Girls like that crap.
I'm getting a little scattered.
I'll try and focus.
Once you get a conversation going (oh yeah, Step 3:), you have a couple of options. If it's going well, make sure you know her name and tell her you'll see her next week and you really enjoyed meeting her. If it's going REALLY well, ask if you can sit with her next week and get a more real-time discussion of the sermon. If she's giving every "I LIKE YOU" signal (laughing at unfunny things, touching your arm, making crazy long eye contact, blushing, leaning into you), ask her if she'd like to continue talking over coffee. Meals are a 2nd, maybe 3rd date thing. Work up to those - that's a lot of time together and girls like to be prepared for them. Once you've seen her again, in any form (coffee, the next week at church), and had another good conversation, then you are free to move up a level.
For reference:
Level 1 = chatting at any event the both of you happen to be attending
Level 2 = deeper conversation, possibly 1-on-1
Level 3 = going to a seperate location for a 1-on-1 event (not necessarily a date)
Level 4 = DATE. You've asked her to do something, she's said yes. You do something. Together.
Level 5 = Date-ING. You've gone on multiple dates and both enjoyed each other's company.
Level 6 = Exclusive dating. You have to talk about this with her, and make sure she knows that you're not dating anyone else and that you want her to do the same so you two can get to know each other better. Sometimes it takes months to get to this point (it SHOULD take at least a few weeks - don't jump into things).
The internet sucks for meeting people. DO NOT again tell her anything about her looks except to say possibly that you were initially attracted by them but really grew to like her after reading her insightful prose on her member page or some other such crap. Unless you want the kind of girl who is only attracted to guys who think she is pretty, regardless of her other attributes or lack thereof.
What to do:
Find someone you're genuinely interested in. Find something you share with that person and write them about that, noting anything that they would find interesting about it or about you (note: biceps are not interesting). Don't stress about getting a reply, but don't write "Gee, I bet you get letters all the time and probably won't even write me back, but..." If they live near you, suggest meeting up at a good location (church, that old standby coffee again) and having a conversation about whatever topic you're both interested in."
I didn't tell him that half of my date conversations devolve into some random topic-grabbing chat fest, and that I kind of like the non-specified conversations. He was asking about those "normal" women-folk, so the advice is a little skewed towards the center. Unless their shared interest is shooting midgets from a cannon. Sorry, technically that should be shooting DWARVES from a cannon, and I've had that date conversation too (sadly, the interest was all on his side so we couldn't get married and have babies).
Can't stop the memories
I have to say first off that my nieces are superbly talented and I love them very much and in my auntie eyes they can do no wrong (except when the youngest thinks that chasing Rooster with my parent's big blue aerobics ball is funny because he almost wets himself with fear) (actually that IS kind of funny). They also very recently had roles in their church's Christmas production - the younger was a narrator, the older did a ribbon dance - and I had the rare privilege of watching their dress rehearsal before I had to leave for home (mostly because I was laughing too loud).
When my siblings and I were smaller, we were thoroughly abused in the area of religious-based musical theater. One of my first clear memories is singing an Amy Grant song in front of our church with my sister when I was around 5 and she was around 7. A year never passed without at least one "major" production, usually featuring one of us in a leading role or soloing while the rest of our little friends shuffled between the intermittent arm-jabs and swaying that passes for small-town choreography (jazz hands!). I think I've already written about my father taking part in many of these as well, constantly dressed as an oversized blue singing hymnal book with a face. Any time you have questions about my sanity and upbringing, look back at that sentence a few times and it should all be a little clearer.
The dress rehearsal I watched last weekend was a total flashback, with children either running amok or napping while the leaders frantically tried to keep their attention and remind Brad that he should be on THAT side of the stage and who stole the sheep we need the sheep! I need to remind you here that my nieces are angels. They narrated adorably and were the absolute best ribbon-wavers in the entire frickin' world. The rest of the kids though... There was one boy in the front row who looked about 4 feet tall and exactly 4 feet wide. His arms dangled so close to the top of his moon boots that I had to ask my sister (who was hiding back in the sound booth with me) if he was a dwarf. She laughed and told me his family name, which explained a lot, and said that he was just really, really fat. He couldn't even hardly clap. I felt a little bad for laughing, but then I saw his sister (similarly round, wearing purple, clapping over her head).
But hands down the worst, most bizarre, most "buh-whaaaa?" moment came later in the play when four little girls came on to the side stage (the same one used earlier for the ribbon dance, in which my niece excelled) dragging one 1" diameter wood dowel in each hand. They had terribly serious expressions on their tiny pale faces as they turned towards the audience and one made an X while the girl behind her made a +. Suddenly I realized what might be happening, and increduously asked my sister if they'd forgotten their streamers or if these were practice props. She said no. "So you mean, they're doing a STICK DANCE?!?" She said yes. I asked her if maybe later they could set the sticks on fire. She said no, but they did have some glitter on them if you looked closely enough. I said they weren't trying hard enough if there wasn't fire.
The best part of the stick dance came when they all stopped their serious-faced circling and formed a tableau. The original two made their "star" again, and #3 bundled her sticks together and rocked them gently in her arms (as gently as a 10-year-old CAN rock two glitter-encrusted pieces of wood). #4 was the conundrum. She took her sticks and put them end-to-end, and from what I could tell was pretending to churn butter with her doubled up mega stick. Then my eyes teared up from all the suppressed giggles and I missed part of it, but lucky for me they did their tableau AGAIN with #3 and #4 switching sides so I could get an even better view of stick Baby Jesus and the Holy Butter Churn.
Oh my.
This makes me giggle SO HARD
So today I was shopping a Shake Table for our "mad scientist" exhibit, so that kids could test how things react during an earthquake. You know, little buildings or bridges or hamsters or their sister. I contacted a company that does large-scale shaking things for train cars and giant bins since they also had some smaller options, and this is what they wrote back:
Michelle (not my name, btw, though she quotes my correct info at the bottom of her letter),
Thank you for requesting information about NAVCO products and capabilities via the literature Request form on our web site. Attached you will find literature outlining features and associated benefits of NAVCO equipment as you requested. After reviewing this literature, please contact NAVCO sales at (800)231-0164 ext.118, so that we may discuss your particular application in detail and provide a quote for the right vibrator for your application.
As a manufacturer of Vibratory Equipment, NAVCO has been providing solutions to some of industry's most difficult material handling problems for over forty years. Using applied vibration theory and a scientific systems approach, NAVCO Application Engineers offer our unique "Bin Map Solution" which will assure complete and positive material flow from your vessel.
We don't just sell vibrators (emphasis hers), we work with you to provide complete material flow solutions for your unique applications. And we have other vibratory equipment too, not just vibrators.
Thanks again for your interest in NAVCO products. We look forward to working with you in the near future.
Cordially,
Tiffany Cady-Moore
Marketing Coordinator
NAVCO
tiffany@navco-jvi.com
(800)231-0164 ext.122
age is just a figure
Hello, I would like to meet a woman who is responsible, loving, exciting and romantic, God -fearing,and what i like in a woman, is a woman that is dedicated and intrested in meeting me and know me and should have these following habits!!!!, must be honest, not heartbreaken,full of humours, friendly, understanding,trusthing, caring, loving,joking,passionate,dedicated,trustworthy,i never mind if she drink or smokes but have all this i listed etc once a woman have all this as is habit i so much cherish the woman infact i dont mind ending up my life with her.
i am Yemi ***** from USA,but right now i am in Nigeria with my mum,my father divorced when i was 10 years old ,so she decide to go back to her country Nigeria,so am with her but now i want to relocate i dont wants to go back to my father,that is why am seeking for a nice loving and caring,honest woman to be with and dont mind the age becose age is just a figure ,so am searching if you are intrested in me i will love to no more about you,
I am attractive, sensual and sexy, faithful and honest, intelligent and well-educated, serious, caring. I am looking for a true, serious, honest, intelligent, loving, sexy,woman I am interesting, pleasant, gentle, manly, effective man with various interests in a life. To like me sports, I always try to behave in the form, I frequently run, I am swimming and like sports . My aspiration, is harmony of a body and soul, it seems to me, that the beauty only physical is far imperfect without internal beauty and consequently I try to develop myself and spiritually, I read classics, I like to visit theatres, museums, to look cognitive programs on the TV. I believe in nice future in luck in any circumstances am cheerful and optimistic, feminine and romantic, with a sense of humor.
My interests: I am fond of everything that makes the life more bright and interesting. I enjoy the outdoors, like traveling, cooking, reading, sports. I prefer healthy and active lifestyle. My future wife should be: noble, merry, cheerful, sociable, easy-going.
I will like to have conversation with you on yahoo messenger ok,Here is my email address yemmy*********@yahoo.com?Pls i will like you to add me for some conversation there to know about each other well ok.
I think i should stop here and i hope to hear from you back,
please send me ur pics,real name,age,state,city,and more about you and also send me ur yahoo chat address if you have one so that we would keep in touch ok,
Yemmy
Swimming with the fishes
Warning: I'm still not sure this really happened.
I went to a wine tasting last Sunday night that was also a birthday party for a pal of mine. Guests each brought a bottle of their favorite wine and then we went through them, ranking each 1-10 and then compiling results for a grand prize (I think it was another bottle of wine. What can I say? They had a theme). I got through about 5 before a troublemaker started talking smack and said that I couldn't possibly taste all of the bottles. There were about 20 at that point, so like a huffy 6-year-old I took his challenge, not realizing that there were more people coming with their bottles and that the final count would top 30. And also forgetting that I am completely unable to pour a tiny glass of anything (my friends who have become victims to my bartending skills can attest to this). Still, I managed to keep it together, discussing everything from travel to sound engineering at the start of the night and looking at my friend's pretty pictures while some guy played with my hair by the end of the evening. And of course I'd forgotten which guy had laid the challenge in the first place so I couldn't even gloat that I'd "won".
But the part that I'm still trying to figure out happened relatively early in the evening, when I met a woman who told me she was a marine naturalist. I got all excited and told her that I was really interested in marine ecology and that I'd started diving this year and loved it. She got even more excited than I was and asked if I'd been diving a long time and if I did cold water stuff. I practically wet myself and said that I'd done nothing but cold water and had logged about 14 dives at that point. She reached the octave only dogs (and slightly tipsy women) can hear and asked if I was interested in being part of a program at the Seattle Aquarium where I would dive in their big entry tank and feed the fishes as part of an educational program. We both almost fainted with happy, and I of course said yes and gave her my number and she gave me her number and I gave her my e-mail and she gave me her e-mail and then we hugged. Girls are strange.
I found a few other people who are also interested, and we're finding out this weekend exactly what is involved and how much of a commitment they need. And I've been trying to remember exactly what we signed on for - I know it's fish-feeding, but I also remember something about whales and sharks and waving at the people watching and somehow teaching groups while underwater and unable to talk. So the next time you find yourself in the Seattle Aquarium and you see some poor schlub wrestling with the sharks in the big entry tank, wave!
(Clarification)
With regards to the previous post and others I have shared: I AM NOT on a dating site and do not have a profile up in any dating-related forums. I have a friend-type listing up in a couple of places, with no mention of needing or wanting to change my relationship status. These people search me out, I swear!
I shudder to think what would happen if I actually went out searching for this kind of attention. My friends in college called me the freak magnet and I'm guessing that talent has translated all to well to the world of the internet.
Go, me.
Very atytracting
Sometimes I get ones that make me laugh, then stop laughing and feel sad, and then laugh again, and then stop. Then snort a little. Then feel bad, but not bad enough to share it with the entire world (heee):
Subject: hello angel
Hello there,
My name is David 42,from Texas,i am kinda new on here and tho i donot get on here very much.I just got on here today to see if i got any mails and WOW!!! i cam across your profile and was confused.Confused bcoz as far as i know Angels are not on earth.So i thought i'd say hello and to ask what an Angel like you could be looking for on earth not to talk of a dating site.I'd like to get to know you better and am sure you must have been sent on a mission thatz why you are on earth.I am interested and attracted cuz you are very atytracting.You are much of evertything any man could ever want in a woman.U R absolutely gorgeous.I'd like to chat sometime.My yahoo ID is **ID.includes.his.full.real.name(newbie)** on IM.If you are interested IM me OR e-mail me sometime.
David
moldy blog alert
I have to admit something. I've had another blog. All this time, this blog has been the offshoot of the other, older, more ex-boyfriend-inspired page (he convinced me to start it and wouldn't let me get by with my "blogs are for dorks" reasoning, which I believe is still accurate but I'm getting to be okay with the dork-ness). It hasn't been updated since the end of the boyfriend experience, but I just realized that it has all sorts of other writing on it that shouldn't be left on the big wide internet all by itself. Most of the good stuff I've already brought over, but the previous post was from a while ago and the remainder of this one is old. Old old old. Decrepit. AND from the other blog. I'm feeling e-guilt. But the new job and bio page angst got me thinking about job histories and such and I realized that I don't think I've posted the full career path I've traveled. And it's a good one...
(this part is the blatant stealing from my past self)
For your collective entertainment, here is the first ever unabridged work history of the me:
age 13: Rabbit judge at county fair (who rocks?)
age 14: Chair setter-upper and taker-downer at same fair
age 15: Sausage Girl at fair Sausage Haus (shut up)
age 16: Cashier at Jack-in-the-Box, player of headset hide-and-go-seek with friends who also worked at the aforementioned establishment
age 17: Cashier and Drive-Thru at Wendy's, where I worked with the mother of a friend of mine and bonded rather disturbingly with her over fries and chili (DO NOT EAT THE CHILI)
age 18: Wildland Forest Firefighter 2, after my father sent me to interview for a dispatcher position. I was more interested in running around with axes. He wasn't happy with my redirection but eventually was won over. Firefighting is a family business - my father was a forester who runs some fire management teams in the summer, my older sister was a radio dispatcher (as was her husband), my younger brother was part of a trail crew in Eastern Washington for four summers during his schooling.
age 19: ditto, but as crew on a 2-person engine this time, prompting snarky remarks about me and my boss using the hose in improper ways (not true, he was rarely showered and countryfied)
age 20: Wildland Forest Firefighter 1, with my very own fire engine that I drove home every night and parked in my parent's driveway. It had a backup beeper and a giant diesel engine that growled like a loud, congested tiger. I was not popular with the neighbors when called for those 3 a.m. fires. I also had a crew, a very nice boy named Jason who was 18 and married and put up with me well. We won the district "rodeo" that year, totally kicked ass in the timed trials and driving competition. I built a contraption to carry our spare pump that revolutionized the hose-lay section of the competition. I am kind of a nerd.
age 21-26: Props artisan (sculptor, painter, carpenter, jack-of-all-trades) for various places. Theater during the fall-winter-spring, commercial and festival work for the summers. Also periods of temping as a receptionist when freelance work didn't come through.
Since then (many of these overlapped):
Appliance salesperson at Sears (why? still trying to figure that out) - left this position to pursue something less scary and competitive. They would stalk people and often fought over customers when stainless steel appliances were at stake.
Shoe salesperson/marketing assistant/promotions for dance shoe place that also sold stripper shoes and clothing meant for no decent human being. The good part was that I got to salsa dance for free at every local event, the bad part was that the boss was verbally abusive and dumb as a sack of hair
Clothing salesperson at high-end clothing store in the Westlake Mall - fired for being oblivious while a woman was trying to rip us off. Lost a $100 shirt in the mayhem she caused and they let me go over it (for the best, believe me! Too much turquoise for my sensitive eyes)
Dance instructor at big dance place in Bellevue - let go after training was completed due to major budget issues and their sudden realization that they could only afford one new instructor (the other girl was adorable and more cheerleaderish than me, in a good way)(she also had the best stories about the times she'd been "roofied" at parties and ended up in strange places)
Clothing salesperson at preppy clothing store in Pacific Place - why do I keep trying sales, you ask? Because they keep freakin' hiring me, no other reason. I am a horrible salesperson to large groups and am far too easily distracted to keep track of the ten customer I am supposed to be serving. I would typically have one excellent sale per day with emotional bonding and business cards exchanged, but one sale was not enough (plus I felt guilty pushing the credit cards). I was released after the holidays, luckily before their summer clothing came in (TURQUOISE - what is with that?! No one looks good in it and I refuse to tell them otherwise)
Mural painter for my sister and my parent's church. I have done a Noah's Ark room, a Jesus-walking-by-a-river-with-kids room (I made Jesus Arabic-looking, it was a minor scandal), a baseball stadium full of fans, some roses, and last weekend I did some angels for my niece over her bed. They are not Arabic-esque (hah! obscure music funny!), though one sort of unintentionally resembles Cindy Crawford sans mole.
(age 28) Model builder for my ex-college, which ended badly (I don't wanna talk about it)
(age 28) Drafter for that silly exhibit design firm I used to freelance build and paint for in the summers I didn't do theater. They were very excited at first about all the things they would use me for, but after building one model all I did was AutoCAD (I like CAD, but am also too ADD to do any one thing for that long!). They hired two more people after me who had much more experience, then laid me off as soon as things slowed down a bit. I was relieved, honestly.
(age 29) Freelance design assistant for an ex-teacher architect friend. Drafter, drawer, but mostly drafter and wall off of which many ideas were bounced. I spent time contacting many manufacturers and getting pointless samples shipped to us when work was slow, and learned far too much about his personal life (the office was in his house, right next to his bedroom).
(age 29-30) Interior designer for my parents and Gloria, neither of whom really consider me to be completely a grown-up. Many ideas were accepted, but many more were argued exhaustively and then discarded. I'm trying to be zen about the whole thing, but there are still a few house parts in both projects that make me sad inside (I'll get over it).
(age 30) Now I'm doing honest-to-god exhibit design, with a dash of interior and scenic thrown in. And I get medical benefits for the first time in a long time and maybe even a cushy ergonomic chair if I play my cards right (I've been leaving catalogs open around the office and clearing my throat a lot).
La Hermana
When not throwing me against the wall, my sister was (and is) a great friend and ally during our bizarre non-American childhood. While less that two short years apart in age, we're separated by a great big gaping chasm when it comes to personality types and appearance. She is taller and was heavier as a child, with dark brown hair and big brown eyes and a tendency to tan that often led strangers to think she was part Hispanic. I was rail-thin, more pale with long blonde hair and blue eyes. I was also horribly shy in school (I had one friend) while she had hundreds of buddies and got involved in every activity possible. She didn't really understand me at first, I was rambunctious as a child (before school smacked me down) and she was more cautious and didn't appreciate me pulling her into my adventures. Plus I was a little strange and not as predictable as her other friends.
Her favorite example is when I accidentally showed her and my mother that I had taught myself how to read. We were very young, she was in preschool and I wasn't even in any classes yet. My mom was reading to both of us using my sister's schoolbook, trying to get her to sound out the words. She got stuck on a hard one and was trying to sound it out phonetically, my mom patiently echoing "m...m...m..." I got frustrated sitting there with nobody reading, so I pointed at the word and said "MOOSE". No one knew I could read, my mom was shocked and my sister was mad that I had one-upped her. That one slip resulted in weeks of testing and subsequent years of school special classes and weirdness. Which was good, I suppose, but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like with no "moose". Regular classes, I would have not missed the sections where they taught us the Dewey Decimal System or dodgeball or how to talk to people on the bus. But I also would have missed out on the chance to learn all the specialized topics they taught us and would never have discovered my inherent nerdiness (found in the LOGO drawing competition I won, the participation in Knowledge Bowl, numerous brain teaser puzzles, construction of Rube Goldbergian devices, etc.).
High school brought about big changes for both of us, socially and physically. The wallflower sister that she had liked but not really hung out with dropped the glasses and braces and suddenly became unwittingly desirable to the male population of the school. She dropped a bunch of childhood weight along with some childhood grudges (see the "moose" thing) and decided to share her friends and indoctrinate the wallflower into the mysterious ways of high school society and dating. I went from having one friend to having a hundred. We went out to the same parties, hung in the same crowd, and in a burst of bad judgment even dated a couple of the same guys (she went to her senior prom with an ex-boyfriend of mine). It was an incredible social education, one that left me forever be grateful to her. I used to be perfectly content to stay in my tiny little world, reading ravenously and remaining invisible. She told her friends who I was on the first day of my freshman year, and from that day on they would yell my name down the hallway, leave me embarrassing notes, force me to try out for musicals and plays, and in the case of one memorable guy, pick me up and bodily slam me into the lockers and proposition me on a daily basis (he was kidding, I think). Yes, they were actors. And musicians. And taught me to enjoy friendships with emotional, expressive, strange people. Then, to BE one! I'm proud to say I did the exact same thing when my shy little brother came into high school. My friends scared the piss out of him. When she left high school, she kept me in her social circle and I partied with her through the local community college, attending their dances and hanging out with her friends. I drank wine coolers (woo!). My parents tried to stop us, but underestimated the adolescent need to pretend to be far more adult than we were ready for.
Then she fell in with the wrong crowd. I saw her less and less, she got boyfriends that were increasingly sketchy. She started dating a guy that everyone hated, who fed into the fall of her self-esteem and alienated her from her friends. One day she and I were alone in the house and I found her stash of prenatal vitamins. Thank God my parents weren't there, I cried for hours with her and she told me how she'd been struggling with her decision to keep the baby, wearing extra-tight pants to try and make herself miscarry. The evil boyfriend didn't leave right away, he stayed with her through the pregnancy and was present in the delivery room, but he wasn't really there. He had a cheating heart and left for a 17-year-old girl soon after my nephew was born (much to our relief). We stuck the birth announcements in with my graduation announcements and turned the den into a nursery. She left college and spent the first year living with my parents, loving the fact that she now had four babysitters at her beck and call. I was oddly jealous of her, she had the support of my family and our church as well as a huge network of friends. She started dating again and had more boyfriends as a single teen mom than I did as a high school senior.
Soon, the nephew was old enough for day care and we both went off to college. She would bring him to classes sometimes when the day care didn't work out. This is made the more remarkable by the knowledge that she was attending a very conservative Christian college in a difficult major and surely was on the receiving end of much judgment even without bringing evidence of her sin to class with her. Finally, a good man came into her life and saw her for the remarkable woman she is. He was someone who knew her while she was involved with the father of her child, and had always respected her even in the midst of that mess. They got married when my nephew was 2 years old and have since had two more little girls to add to the mix. Now she's continuing to amaze me, raising three rowdy kids, maintaining a house with multiple pets, and earning a Master's degree in counseling while holding down a full-time job. Sometimes I think that when we're not looking, she levitates.
