How To Break Up
The Ideal: Both people begin to realize that the relationship is no longer functional, for mutually-accepted legitimate, crystal-clear reasons. They begin the healthy emotional distancing process and then shortly agree to meet and discuss The Status Of The Relationship (TSOTR). In a lucid, non-argumentative fashion, they discuss TSOTR for 1/2 hour or less, and both agree that the problems are large and unfixable and that both would like to end the relationship amicably. They shake hands, wish the other well, and exit feeling like they've grown as people.
Then little birdies land on their shoulders and lift them effortlessly into the blue, blue sky while singing sweet songs about bunnies (oh, and magical bunnies are at their feet helping to push them into the air) and a unicorn/pegasus (Unisus? Pegacorn? Why do those suddenly sound like software companies?) flies up to carry them to happy invisible nonexistent land.
The Reality: Try to make the break-up talk happen in a public place so they won't threaten you or start crying or do both simultaneously.
As a not-really-that-logical person (a.k.a. artist, creative person, and grown woman who still holds her breath while going through tunnels), I'm constantly amazed at how many relationships of mine have ended with the guy being completely blindsided by my wanting to break up with him. Somehow only I can see the major differences in core beliefs, life goals, current behavior, and general overall compatibility. I try to work through the differences and openly discuss where there are problems, but when a fella is in denial it's a little hard sometimes to tell him that YES it is a problem to me that he wants to date a Puerto Rican girl at the same time he's dating me. 'Cause, you know, HE doesn't have a problem with it so how can I?
So here's the system (you had to know there was a system). It's a multi-stage process with a few choose-your-own-adventure moments.
1. Try to fix the thing. You got in the relationship for a reason, didn't you? Something about attraction and liking of personalities? Take a good look and see if what's making you want to run is really worth it (a.k.a. beliefs, goals, lifestyle choices, Puerto Ricans).
2. Talk to the partner in your relationship about the problems. There is the potential that they haven't seen them or don't think they're as large as you see them. This might inspire change, or might inspire denial. Either way, this stage makes the next stages fair (even if they don't think there are problems, at least now you've warned them that you think something's wrong).
3. DISTANCE yourself. Get some perspective about what's going on and re-evaluate whether or not things can be fixed if the aforementioned desire to change is carried through. I'm talking emotional and physical distance. This is the shot across the bow.
4. Start the separation if your evaluation has led down the path to dumpsville (population: them). I was only half-kidding earlier when I said to do it in a public place - you really don't know how they will react, particularly if they have been in the lovely land of denial this whole time. I've had an otherwise somewhat calm, reasonable guy start yelling at me and weeping when I broke the news. I've also had threats, promises, and outright overt attempts at manipulation (granted, playground-level "Well, then I guess I'll go sleep with all your friends then") (p.s. my friends have a strong "Stay away from everyone's men, current and ex" policy). This may seem like a good reason to break up via e-mail or phone, but face-to-face is key for overall understanding and clarity. It doesn't have to be in the middle of a crowded movie theater, but at least a coffeehouse where you can grab a bystander when things get wierd. TSOTR gets muddy at this point, and it may help you to narrow the breaking points down to 2 or 3 big ones and to keep reaffirming them. For instance:
THEM: "I can't believe you want to give up such a good thing"
YOU: "You had a threesome and none of the three was me"
THEM: "But I love you!"
YOU: "I'm Christian and you believe that God is a crystal currently being carried by a homeless man who lives under the Aurora bridge"
THEM: "I can change!"
YOU: "Did I mention the threesome thing?"
5. Leave, turn off your phone, and go do something that will make you happy (I'm talking movie, cocktails with friends, hiking a mountain, etc. and NOT immediately picking up a new love/lust). I'm of the firm belief that breaking up with someone is roughly 1,000 times harder than being broken up with since there is no clear bringer of harm besides yourself. Break-ees have it easy - get pissed at the Break-er and spend the next five years badmouthing them. Break-ers get pissed at themselves, pissed at the situation, and when they badmouth it just sounds like they're talking to themselves and people look at them funny.
6. Don't date for a while. Whenever you feel the urge to date, read this again and remember how much fun single-hood can be.
7. Don't hang out with the ex. This never ends well, and gives you zero chance to heal from the broken relationship. I know it's hard, especially in longer relationships where you've started to share friends and favorite places, but backtracking to "friends" is impossible. Something about the two of you didn't work, and will not work despite what new label you try to put on the relationship.
8. Rediscover how wonderful your friends are, and strengthen those ties. Make new friends, introduce them to your older friends, and let life roll as it may.
This is much more serious than I was intending, but I realized as I was writing how many of my friends are currently going through this (as the Break-er and Break-ee) (my advice to the Break-ee is same as above: try to fix, talk, distance, and #5-8 are identical. The timeline is simply condensed because you are coming into the process after the other person). Relationships that end are painful, but it's a necessary pain. They do end for a reason, don't they?
Here, this will make you feel better.
How NOT To Break Up, by the men I have dated:
1. Tell her that you can't see her as often because you are taking care of your sick mother. Go to a club that you know she frequents (because she introduced you to it, and loves the live band, and goes every week) and bring another woman. Make out with the other woman when you know she is watching. Send her a text message saying, roughly "Jan, you looked really great tonight.", prompting her to text back "YOU ******* (censored for the sensitive)!! I ****** HATE YOU!!! Never ****** contact me again." Wait, I guess that was me breaking up with him. Never call me Jan.
2. Assume that she is sleeping with every man within a 20-block radius, even though she is young and enamored with you. Start a relationship with a woman from your hometown, since you live 1/2 hour away and she is not likely to find out. Bring a (highly unflattering, not that I'm bitter) photo of the new woman to church with you and show your 1st girlfriend's sister, who you are friends with, the picture. Wait.
3. Buy her things she doesn't want or need. Schedule times to be together, then back out at the last minute so you can hang out with friends. Spend weeks apart. When she asks to see you more, remind her that she has stuffed animals to keep her company. Then tell her not-so-kindly that you went into short term debt for her and she should be grateful. Guaranteed, she will break up with you over the phone (long-distance) and not feel one ounce of guilt.
A little random
Transcript from text messaging last night:
Me: "Last night I dreamed that Cartman was my brother and I killed him w/a chainsaw. Then I cried. In the dream."
M: "What if it wasn't a dream?!"
Me: "That might explain the shredded construction paper all over my bedroom."
M: "Need tape?"
Me: "Got a glue stick?"
M: "Dildo?"
Me: "Potato potato"
M: "Ur funny"
Me: "Youre the one who offered to stick Cartman back together with hoo hoo glue"
What did I do to deserve this...
Ack, another horrible date!
I knew this one would be bad (I actually accepted not because I liked him, but because I knew the conversation would be interesting due to the fact that his views on important things are 100% opposite of mine), but it started out bizarre and just got worse and worse.
He asked me out via e-mail, and I met him at a random party before I'd recieved the note. He mentioned that he'd put something in my inbox and I asked him if it was a death threat (of course I knew it was a date request - he had that look). He said he was going to boil my bunny. I told him all I had were two big watchdogs. He said he was going to boil my dogs. I told him that Rooster in particular is a little large for boiling and he said that he supposed he'd have to dismember them first.
This would have been funny if he wasn't so serious and thoughtful about the whole thing. I tried to laugh but he just smirked.
So of course I agree to go on a date! Here is what I found out about the man:
- He hates watching movies and gets antsy after the first 10 minutes, doesn't matter how good the story is
- He is hyper sensitive about his Jeep and is proud that he bought it and bragged that he didn't have to consult with any woman about the purchase
- He doesn't care for companionship or necessarily need sexual favors (celibate for 10 years)
- The only reason he can see to get married is to have children
- He thinks most women sleep around and most wives cheat
- Being cuckolded and raising someone else's child is one of his worst fears
- He does not think highly of adoption
- He's an accountant and thinks that all women are highly logical about their relationship decisions, weighing the pros and cons carefully
- He thinks women are far less attractive once they get past about 30 (probably should note here - I'm 31, and he knows that)
- He can't conceive of dating a woman that is anywhere near non-childbearing age
- He thinks any younger man that dates an older woman is trying to replace his mommy
- He has absolutely no sense of humor
I did my best to drive him far, far away and verbally smack some sense into him, but I fear I fell short. All I managed to do was tell him that I completely disagreed with all of his statements, that my last boyfriend was 26 and he had absolutely NO mommy complex (in fact, the last date I had was with a 22-year-old who I thought was 25, and he thought I was right around 25 so when we came to the "well, how old ARE you?" portion we both sat there for a while with stunned expressions. He forgave me for being older, though, and I forgave him for being younger. Now we're buds.), and also that I think women get far more attractive with experience and that I don't plan on popping out babies anytime soon and I don't think having a kid in your early-mid 20's is a very good idea since you are just discovering yourself at that point.
I also told him that his views on child bearing/rearing were incredibly childish and selfish, and that his valuing women only for their (functioning) wombs is a horrible way to approach a relationship, and that no woman in her right mind would date him knowing that was his stance. And I told him that family is NOT made of blood only, and that my adopted cousins are forever my family, and their kids and grandkids are family too regardless of biology. And then I told him that he must really hate women to assume that we all are entirely prone to cheating and would cuckold our men automatically. I've been cheated on by three different boyfriends, and I would never in my life put another person through that. AND when he asked me if I'd eat meat when pregnant (I've been vegetarian 8 years) I actually laughed in his face and told him that there was no way in hell, and that while any man I married could convince me to cook meat (with the risk of a no-taste-test system), I would never go back to eating it.
And probably through the course of the tirade I managed to convince him that women are far from logical about decisions of the heart. After all, according to his calculations I should have been waiting with bated breath for him to propose (he is well employed, has a car, a house, and a similar belief system). He even went out of his way to tell me how often he worked out and how many pull-ups he could do.
Where do I find these guys?
owww
My head hurts.
Last night I decided that my social life had gotten far too sedentary (a.k.a. only going out with people I know and enjoy, drinking healthy amounts of alcohol, etc.) so I allowed myself to be dragged out to an event known as Dating by Referral. It is an unadvertised gathering of single folks that have been referred by dating or married friends, and they took over a very popular Belltown club last night and filled with with about 200 people.
I stayed with my friends S (who is about 5'-0") and Ev (who is close to 6'-0") most of the night, making a very nice short-medium-tall tableau (I'm about 5'-7" with heels) and chatting with any of the many men who wandered by. I also drank a lot, which helped the conversations immensely. Because here is what they chose to talk about:
1. Hula hoops. A little man who seemed proud of the fact that nobody could tell if he was straight or gay was telling us about how he liked to sew/alter his own clothing, and then segued into a description of his custom-made hula hoops (with lights inside!) and how he was trying to learn how to be one of those really cool hooper-types that you see in clubs nowadays. I think I've been going to the wrong kind of clubs. Apparently hula hoops are the new glowsticks. Pass it on.
2. Microsoft. You had to know this one was coming! A good 90% of the men I met worked there. They tried to be a little bad-ass about it, though, saying that while Google's saying is "Do No Evil", Microsoft's saying is "Do Lots of Evil". And then they snickered and punched each other. Seriously.
3. Their/your latest heartbreak. How is this an acceptable conversation topic for a singles mixer?! Still, the guy insisted that everyone in the circle tell their sob story, which completely dampened the mood of all partygoers within a 30-foot range. Then I tried to be funny (see: lots of drinking) and he stared daggers into my soul. Then I laughed and he left.
4. Cottage cheese ass. Admittedly, I brought this one up. It didn't go over so well though S and I were laughing like hyenas about a particular relevant event we'd witnessed. Ev is much more socially proper and she tried to change the subject but we kept jumping right back.
5. Guam. I don't know either.
6. How the guy had slept with another girl at the party years ago, but they're just good friends now. There's really no good response when someone pulls that one out.
By the end of the night I had been found by the only guy who I found remotely attractive, and we sat on one of the couches and talked about things which now completely evade my memory. I DO remember that at one point he noticed a small, pale man staring at me from the bar and complimented me on having my very own stalker. I told him that the pale guy was nowhere near stalker material, and broke it down like this:
Stalker = horribly angry at you for some reason (you broke their heart, you refuse to notice them, you wore the same pants as them to an event) and fixated unhealthily. Likes to try to affect every aspect of your life, stealthily.
Creepy = (pale guy) very interested but far too shy to ever come around and start a conversation. If he does ever start one you will likely never know that it's happening, due to low volume or mumbling or loud, illogical shouting followed by immediate flight. Not angry, but still disturbing.
Harmless = starts a generic conversation that is over in two seconds, then he gives up but still gives wistful glances every now and then. Pale guy might have been borderline harmless, but he kept up that stare for a good 20-30 minutes and was quite obviously attempting to psychically burn "COME TALK TO ME" into my brain.
That was how it came down in my mind but I'm not sure that my mouth conveyed the message as clearly (if that's anything near clear). I got his number and gave him mine, but am pretty sure that what I told him was wrong. We'll see. We'll also see if I ever get invited to another one of these abominations again.
Peer pressure
This is what happens when I go to the gym late and all those trash-reality shows are on... Project Runway was doing a challenge where their "designers" had to make an outfit inspired by a toy-size dog (anything from Corgis to a Chinese Crested) and a matching outfit for the dog. Of course I get to thinking that my dogs are far cooler than those little fluffballs (with the exception of the Chinese Crested, which really is a stinkin' cool freak-dog) and that their inner fashion model was competely, as of yet, unexplored.
MONKEY - 50 lbs. of pure mutt fabulousnessosity. Her favorite activities are chasing squirrels, destroying rawhide, and balancing on top of tall things.
ROOSTER - at 80 lbs. he's not a petite model, but you can't deny his roguish style. His favorite activities include splashing a roughly 2-foot circle of water when drinking and ninja-dropping tennis balls on unsuspecting people's heads.
(my favorite thing about all of this is Monkey's "I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES" expression in that last pic. She loves dress-up, really.)
CLPA #4
Mermerizing (Literally) – 58
Mermerizing (literally, via Dictionary.com) = No entry found. Did you mean memorizing/mesmerizing/mercerizing?
Memorizing = To commit to memory; learn by heart
Mesmerizing = To spellbind; enthrall
Mercerizing = To treat (cotton thread) with sodium hydroxide so as to shrink the fiber and increase its luster and affinity for dye
To sum up: He has memorized his spellboundness and then dipped it in sodium hydroxide so his heart will learn more luster by which to enthrall the fibrous masses. Yup.Me:
I'm easy going and especially comfortable when in charge. Not selfish but confident enough to attempt the best decisions for everyone.
You cross him, he’ll cut you. While an experienced hypnotist (for decades) the idea is to find as many ways to enjoy each other as possible. Hypnosis is a spice that can heighten other flavors. It's not the point (though it can joyfully seem that way at times). The point is to make other things more vibrant. Take a deep breath and consider the possibilities. Then slowly exhale and smile.
As you exhale, think of the many ways that you might enjoy a hypnotist. Bad day at work? Bring him in and your boss will be standing on his head, using his stapler to fold his jacket into origami. Waiter bring you the wrong order? Eat with this man and the waiter will bring you the orders of everyone around you, and then charge you -10 zillion dollars and pour someone else’s drink over his head while dancing a tango with himself. Of course, you will not remember any of this while he slowly counts down from 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… (poof)She:
A woman of textures, reposed and covered in soft sand. The textures are hidden by the sand and she longs for a gentle breeze to blow the sand away a grain at a time slowly revealing her essence.
He digs chicks with scars. Chicks with scars on the beach, that have been buried in the sand by naughty schoolchildren. Naughty, naughty schoolchildren.She seeks a real relationship in any form - convention is acceptable but she feels the closer to the edge, the warmer the relationship.
He’d like to involve the scarred sandy chick in a hypnotizer/human hermit crab relationship (hey, edgy!). He will provide her with an array of cardboard boxes and crates that ascend in size, so that she can choose her best-fitting dwelling place. She follows their desires and hungers (a diner, conversation, a movie or open passion) and, as the textures are freed by the breeze, she learns to trust him to lead.
He will provide her with a path of trail mix and a fan. From this she will trust him. Appearance of intimacy, like hypnosis, is not the point for her. She seeks the places and moments she can not find alone.
Did I mention she is blindfolded.
CLPA #3
I'm a single Asian male in my mid-30's looking for someone I could spend time with Saturday evenings. There could be other days but they are usually taken up by family and friends, house work and personal time (TV and rest).
Dangit, it’s Saturday afternoon! I told you not to call me until EVENING! You are interrupting my SHOWS and HOUSE WORK!!!I do not like the club scene so I'm thinking about dinner and movie at my place or yours or spending time together doing everyday chores (house work or shopping). I know that sounds weak but that's what I like to do.
I didn’t mean it, baby… you can do my house work. Really! Even the nasty stuff! Then maybe later we can hit the QFC and pick up some food you can cook for me, I love you thaaaat much.I am willing to share chores and let you cook for and entertain me in your or my house.
Baby, why are you being like that? I told you, you can sweep and then scrub the stubborn stains in my linoleum, and then I’d like some pasta salad and pork chops. This is some quality time here, sugarlumps! What do you mean you’re not entertained? Why have you got that knife in your hand all of a sudden? I would have to describe my looks as just below average. Also average height and weight, although I have had this annoying floatation device around my waist for a few years that doesn’t seem to go away.
No you can NOT chop off my spare tire! Why are you screaming at me like that?! I know I’ve been hit with the ugly stick and am a little on the portly/fat-man-in-denial side, but who else is gonna let you clean house for them and let you cook? Huh? Here is where I become shallow, but am just being a realist. Even though nothing may come of this I would still like it if I found you attractive cause I like that stimulation you get from knowing that person chooses to spend time with you. That, in itself, gives you so much. So that being said, please send me a full body shot. If I am interested I will send you mine. That is a picture of me riding though. No drama and no games please. I try to live a stress free life. Thanks for reading
All right, if you let me go I’ll stop sticking all the photos of models on the fridge with “BE LIKE THIS” post-its right next to them. I promise – and I’ll get rid of that fat-kid-on-a-bicycle photo that graces my ad and stop asking women to meet requirements that I couldn’t match in a thousand years and instead go back to what I should be doing on my free Saturday evenings. Sit ups. Really. Just give me the knife…
